The Benefits of Emotional Flexibility in Pain and Grief

I am no spring chicken, and that is no more evident than when I let one of my well-intentioned friends bring me to Bikram yoga.  For those of you who haven’t experienced this seventh layer of hell, it’s basically combining yoga with intense heat.  In the very beginning, it’s not that bad.  The first indicator of the impending horror is that your palms get sweaty so the pretzel the instructor is asking you to make with your body becomes impossible.  This progresses to the point that, when we do the downward dog, sweat pours (not drips) off the top of my head like I’m participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge.  As I consider cutting afore-mentioned friend from my life forever, the yoga teacher encourages everyone to lean into the heat.  In her thick Minnesotan accent, she explains that practicing heated yoga helps your muscles relax and this can prevent injury.  

While nothing in this world or the next can ever drag me back to that yoga studio, a lesson soaked into my head like the sweat had soaked through my clothes.  Heat can help promote flexibility, but only to the extent that you relax and lean into it.  I bet you can see this metaphor coming a mile away.  Very commonly, we experience more disruption due to our response to pain, heartache, and hardship than we actually do with the pain itself.  A solid benefit of exploring and moving through pain and grief is that you can build strength, safety, resiliency, and a collection of lived lessons that can inform future experiences of pain (both yours and those of others).  The key ingredient for developing maximum benefits in heartache and struggle is loosening our grip on control and our perceived safety (I know, easier said than done) and letting the heat saturate us and soften our rigid emotional muscles.  This process builds what researchers call “emotional flexibility (EF).” 

Very commonly, we experience more disruption due to our response to pain, heartache, and hardship than we actually do with the pain itself.

The concept of emotional flexibility speaks to the ability to regulate and modify your emotions to engage with the current environment (Aldao et al. 2015; Beshai et al. 2018; Westphal et al. 2010).  In other words, you adapt your emotions instead of trying to make situations, experiences, and relationships adapt to how you feel.  In one study, the speed of emotional and physical recovery from trauma was directly correlated with how emotionally flexible each person was in their experience of pain.  “Hold up Josh,” you might say, “I can’t just change my emotions based on what I’m doing or who I’m with.”  Au contraire, mes amis.  Those who practice Dialectical Behavioral Therapy would say you can and, in fact, your movement through emotional growth may depend on it.  A fear that many of my clients have voiced in learning emotional flexibility is that they will not be authentic in their emotions if they have to adapt how they feel.  I get that on so many levels, professionally and personally.  The “truth” of the matter, however, is that in our pain, we actually have the tendency to overly restrict ourselves.  We engage in tunnel vision (Bolshin, Khatri, & Ryan, 2021).  This means that, if we do not challenge ourselves towards being flexible, our emotions will be limited and narrow in vision and this can create resentment, deeper depression, and anger. 

One of my most often quoted books in psychotherapy with clients is Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl (1963).  In this book, Frankl describes his observations of populations interred in Nazi concentration camps.  What he saw was that there seemed to be two sets of people: those who emotionally shut down and became “husks” while imprisoned and those who held hope and demonstrated resiliency.  The demarcation in these two groups of people continued even after Liberation.  What separated these two groups?  Viktor Frankl’s theory was that those who demonstrated resiliency had an understanding that if they couldn’t change their environment and situation, they could control their responses to it.  They didn’t become hyper-focused on their anger, pain, and grief.  Couples married in the camps.  Friendships and communities were built.  

Let me be very clear.  I want to respect the tragedy of thousands upon thousands of individuals, families, and communities that were obliterated.  I also cannot and would not ever judge or critique the response of those who protected themselves by “shutting off.”  The experience of prisoners didn’t change or go away because they simply thought positive thoughts.  Rather, regardless of the outcome, they were able to hold onto the agency of choosing how they would view the world around them.

My friend, you will experience pain.  You will be hurt, affronted, offended, and even abused at some point.  I am sure you have already at some point experienced these things if you are reading this.  There will be situations that you don’t have any control over.  What if your emotions don’t drive the bus?  What if you can have control and agency over your perspective and emotions despite not being able to control your situation?  Inherently in this approach of emotional flexibility is kindness to yourself and curiosity.  Don’t try to approach your emotional status in hard times with a “right or wrong” mindset.  Just approach with kind questions.  Go easy on yourself.  Read Man’s Search for Meaning (I’m biased).  I would suggest against Bikram yoga.

Author: Josh Wilde, LAC, LSW 

• REFERENCES

  Aldao, A., Sheppes, G., & Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation flexibility. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 39(3), 263–278. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10608-014-9662-4.

  Beshai, S., Prentice, J. L., & Huang, V. (2018). Building blocks of emotional flexibility: Trait mindfulness and self-compassion are associated with positive and negative mood shifts. Mindfulness, 9(3), 939–948. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-017-0833-8.

  Bolshin, L., Khatri, N., & Ryan, J. (2021). A-145 Tunnel Vision: A novel investigation of the effect of depression on field of view. Archives of Clinical Neuropsychology, 36(6), 1199. https://academic.oup.com/acn/article/36/6/1199/6360181

  Frankl, V. (1963). Man’s Search for Meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. Washington Square Press.

  Meesters, A., Vancleef, L. M. G., & Peters, M. L. (2019). Emotional flexibility and recovery from pain. Motivation and Emotion, 43, 493-504. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11031-018-9748-5#:~:text=Emotional%20flexibility%20(EF)%20is%20defined,changing%20environment%20(Aldao%20et%20al.

  Westphal, M., Seivert, N. H., & Bonanno, G. A. (2010). Expressive flexibility. Emotion, 10(1), 92–100. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0018420.