Necessary Endings and Recovery
“Great is the art of the beginning, but greater is the art of ending.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Dr. Henry Cloud, the author of Necessary Endings, argues that endings are not a tragedy to be the first feared and later regretted, but a necessary stage on the way to growth. Although endings are often stereotyped as failures and disappointments, we can’t experience growth without ending things in our life that no longer serve us or hold us back from reaching our full potential. The things that we are ending do not have to be “bad,” “dysfunctional,” or “toxic.” But sometimes things need to end before new buds of opportunity can blossom in our lives. We can apply this to almost any area of our lives, especially in recovery from an addiction.
The obvious necessary ending is the ending of use (drinking or using). But what about all of the other necessary endings? Ending a relationship or friendship that no longer serves us or terminating a job in search of one that brings more passion to our lives? Ultimately, it is necessary to end certain things in our lives in order to grow and develop into the person we are supposed to be. If we don’t follow through with necessary endings, we can stay stuck in old patterns and behaviors that hold us back from being truly happy and fulfilled. This could mean staying stuck in addiction.
Dr. Cloud explains we are like rose bushes. We need to be pruned in some areas so we can blossom. However, pruning leads to some short-term pain that we must endure before we can grow. I have learned this over and over again in my life. In early recovery, I had to make necessary endings with family relationships, friendships, living situations, and jobs. I felt co-dependent on family on a variety of levels and knew I would never become a thriving, independent woman if I didn’t put some space between us. I severed friendships where continued use would likely be condoned, as well as friendships that lacked depth and genuine connection. I changed career paths to serve a population I am passionate about. I knew I couldn’t possibly stay on the same trajectory I was on. I knew it would ultimately lead me back to unhealthy behaviors. There were so many necessary endings that had to take place during that time in my life before I could deepen and thrive in my life as an individual in recovery.
Necessary endings are temporarily painful. We grieve the loss of comfortability and the loss of things that once served us. This is a normal part of the “pruning” process, and we might need extra support during these times. Through the pain, just remember the reason behind the ending. To grow into the people we were meant to be and to live rewarding, fulfilling lives. Isn’t that what recovery is all about? We owe it to ourselves to prune the rose bush so we have the opportunity to meet a happier, stronger, healthier version of ourselves.
Dr. Henry Cloud - Necessary Endings
Kelly King, PhD, LAC, LPC, C-DBT