What is Sobriety - The Thrill of the Chase.
Have you ever been so in love, that they were the last thing you thought about before you fell asleep and the first thing you thought about when you woke up? In your time apart, wonder what they’re doing, get excited for the next opportunity to connect. Right before you’re about to see them, have flutters in your stomach with anticipation.
Maybe you find ways to see them more often because you can’t get enough of them. You breathe easier when they’re around. The rush of adrenaline in the heated moments, sick to your stomach at the thought of losing them, flood of relief knowing it’s going to be ok. When it’s good, it’s so good, and when it’s bad…it’s brutal. The highs and the lows are like the most intense rollercoaster, and you never want to get off.
I’m talking a real-life emotional rollercoaster.
If you can relate to this, I wonder if you’ve ever found yourself in a relationship where you felt almost addicted to that person. Or addicted to the intense highs and lows that come with being with them.
When we grow up in homes where there may be times of unpredictability, or a lot of times of unpredictability, it teaches our nervous system a lot. It creates patterns for us with intense emotional dynamics. It creates chaos and that’s what feels familiar. Think of a tender memory from childhood that is so vivid in your mind. You can see, hear, smell it like it was in front of you. That’s familiar. Why wouldn’t we be drawn to that?
Familiar and healthy, are not always the same thing. If you are familiar in chaos, strap in.
What that can look like for us is chasing people who aren’t emotionally available, being someone who is emotionally unavailable, staying in relationships that light up our nervous system, and running wildly after the most damaging thing, likely because we’re running away from ourselves.
It’s important to remember, unhealthy, albeit familiar, dynamics, is not measurement of your worth. It is the signposts to the work still left to be done. Interpersonal work is necessary, in order to have meaningful connections with others.
This is your work so no one can do it for you. No one can love you into doing it. And we also can’t fix someone who is committed to remaining the same. You will only be dragged alongside the car wreck, rationalizing the cuts, bruises and road rash. Holding out for that small glimmer of love, interest, reciprocity, glance, flutter in your gut. It’s addicting. The thrill of the chase.
We then face the challenge of overcoming the discomfort of stepping out of what we are used to. Breaking out of unhelpful dynamics that feel “normal,” but likely don’t serve us. Unless you like being bloodied, battered and road-rashy. If so, your dance with chaos may not be done just yet. Hopefully, the song changes soon or you’ll crave rest and ease, which you can have in healthy relationships.
So, are your relationships healthy, or are they familiar?
Song recommendation that resonates with this message, if you’re interested.
Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor
Hill, L. (1998). Ex-Factor [Recorded by L. Hill]. On The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill on CD. NY, NY: Colombia Records.