The Hardest Goodbye
This time of year is always the toughest. The holidays are a time of glittering lights, festivities and memories. It was Christmas when I had my last conversation with him.
He sounded so good. He was full of life, planning memories to make, and he laughed. He was so, himself. The version of him that I had known but was clouded at times by fatigue, frustration and hopelessness. He was my best friend, and I could tell him anything. I knew that if I wanted an honest opinion, a savage delivery followed with the biggest kiss and hug, I had that. What a gift. Sometimes I still get really angry that I had to lose him before some of my most important moments in life. Before he got to see what kind of parent I am. Not having the opportunity to call him with questions would send me into an eruption of tears and too, feelings of fatigue, frustration and hopelessness.
Grief taught me so much. One of the ways that it changed me and how I experience life, is the not so gentle reminder of the breadth of emotions that we can feel simultaneously. Without regard to timing, or appropriateness or reason. Logic is both a gift and something that can be ignored in grief. It helps us shift out of our emotions to complete necessary tasks; driving, cooking, going to work, small talk. It can feel like a reprieve of sorts. Logic offers us the break to step out of our feelings. But are we brave enough to step back in?
In my therapeutic work, I encourage folks to consider these significant relationships we have in our lives and the massive impact that losing them has on us. Grief does not come in just the shape of a person. We can grieve so many things; relationships, dreams, opportunities, memories that won’t be made, what hasn’t happened and now will never happen.
It’s easy to live in this place of busyness, distraction, avoidance, and that often works, until it doesn’t. What if instead of us encouraging others to “get passed it,” or to, “be thankful for the time we did have with them,” or to “just get over it,” we sat in a space with them and witnessed their heartbreak. We will not know anyone’s personal ache, and no one can ever know ours. But sitting with someone in that period of grief and witnessing their emotions, honors not only that person but what they lost. Let’s give ourselves and those around us permission to honor our feelings, our loss, our grief, and our experiences.
Whatever you are grieving this season, know that you are not alone. You matter and your feelings are valid. I’ll leave you with a quote I come back to often and a book recommendation. “Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried (Devine, 2017).”
Devine, Megan. (2017). It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn't understand. Sounds True, Inc.
If you’d like to purchase the book:
It's OK That You're Not Ok by Megan Devin