You’re Worth So Much More
“If someone really knew me, would they stay?”
I didn’t know what to expect when I started on this journey of recovery and self-discovery over eight years ago. I was excited for a new life; eager for new opportunities; ready to re-build broken relationships; prepared to make new memories and rid myself of the debilitating guilt and shame that had become my constant. I remember thinking, “I just want my life back.” I had the thought that if everything went back to the way it was prior to addiction, everything would be okay. I would be happy. It took me years to learn that I was selling myself short with that mentality.
I followed my recovery plan to a tee for the first few years. Regular 12-step meetings, therapy, sponsorship, etc. And just as I was promised, I started to regain control of my life and all the good things in it. I was stable in my job, became independent, established a new career, regained trust with my family, entered into a healthy romantic relationship. I could see the benefits of recovery all around me, yet something still seemed to be missing. The best way I can explain it is to experience contentment, but not fulfillment.
I started to realize that I experienced and expressed emotion on a somewhat surface level. It was just easier for me to be “surface.” It was like building up a wall around me so that nobody could truly see me, all of me. That was just too scary for me. So, I never allowed anyone to fully see me because of fear of rejection or abandonment. I also still walked around with a significant amount of shame for my past. If someone really knew me, would they stay?
To back up a little bit – I didn’t just come to this realization on my own. I experienced a true friendship along the way. This friend challenged me every day… challenged me to express and experience my emotions fully. I learned that I couldn’t experience a true, deep connection as a friend if I wasn’t willing to let my walls down. Within this friendship, we have experienced all of life’s joys and sorrows, successes and failures. We sit next to each other and laugh, cry, rejoice, and grieve. For me, this true friendship is what I had been missing all along.
I can’t begin to list all of the things that true friendship has taught me. The list is just too long. However, one of the most important things that it taught me is that I’m worth it. I was never meant to “just get my life back.” There was so much more out there waiting for me, and there are still many things I have yet to find. I needed to learn that I am worthy of love, compassion, connection, forgiveness, and success. For me, the portal that showed me that was true friendship. I am forever grateful. And I am so thankful that I can give true friendship in return. What a gift!
Written By: Kelly King, PhD, LAC, LPC, C-DBT